So I was reading some blogs the other day and I learnt something that made me feel small and ignorant, and a bit stupid as I'm sharing the story. It wasn't anything significant, just a small fact that I didn't know. It forced into the fore of my thoughts what I usually have buried deep, that I don't know everything and what I don't know annoys me, will inevitably get me into trouble and generally have me feeling inadequate. Now, everyone has to cope with this same situation and for whatever reason this doesn't comfort me in my struggle to cope with it myself. I hate it. Not being aware. Being oblivious. Not doing my best because I don't know yet. That experience hasn't reached me yet. Even now, just then, I wrote 'you' and 'your', I had to stop myself, go back and put in 'I' and 'me'. Anything to distance myself from the issue. Other people have this issue, not me, I'm in ostrich mode. Well I do have this issue. And it will always be there.
As I say, this something I learnt wasn't hugely significant or obvious. It makes no difference really. It was just that I didn't know and I would have behaved differently if I had known. I tried to comfort myself by thinking of blogs I could write that would be full of stuff that this blogger wouldn't know...but I couldn't think of much...a no-go there then. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway.
It all comes down to confidence in the end. I will be enthusiastic to the Earth's end about things I'm confident in. All I need for my happiness and satisfaction is to excel at stuff I'm good at, work hard in the areas I know I can do good in. Practical, intellectual, emotional...in applies however you look at it.
I'm forever watching Wimbledon and wishing I was a tennis pro, oh you need to start playing before you can read...failed at that. Listening to Greig and wanting to be a musician in an orchestra, working with amazing people and travelling the world, oh wait, you need to start learning to play before you can entertain another person with your conversation...failed at that. Watching Strictly and wanting to be a pro dancer with the skill to express so much stuff through just moving (wow! hello!) oh but yeah...failed at that too. Why do I do it to myself?! I feel like a failure before I've even tried! Reading a beautiful book that provokes thought and teaches you so much about life or just your own imagination and wanting to be a writer. OK, so you need what here? Always write about what you know, things you've experienced. Not much in that category for me I'm afraid. But it stops here people! Imagination and creativity I can sometimes do. Is this enough perhaps...am I finally wishing I could do something then bloody well going and doing it?
And so this is what NaNoWriMo is all about. I must take my hat off to the people on the website for making it so absolutely clear that what is written during November will be utter rubbish and no good, it is pretty much expected. Unless you happen to be an uber good planner, which is OK, high five to you. I'm gonna catch you up. Positive paragraph so far. I'm on the road. That's the issue, this is the start of the solution. And here in the postivity stops again. There is so much riding on this that the pressure has blanketed my brain in fog. No ideas what so ever. Eek! I'm not expecting to succeed in reaching NaNo's 50K word count target, it is the trying that is the therapy here. I don't want or need the novel to be good, so go brain go! Oi...oooo....hello....yeah OK, still fog.
And that really is OK because I can look forward to the bit of the circle where there is no fog.
R.W
Ruth Walker: Nullius In Verba
An attempt at pure self expression. Never delete anything!
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
The contents of my drafts folder - exposed! (cont 3)
6) It's not winter till Jack Frost!
I had a lovely autumnal walk today. The sun was out. The sky was blue. The birds were cheeping. Crab apples dotted the ground...I saw a butterfly!
Must have lost the muse that day. Or maybe that's all I needed to say. Dated 15.11.2009
7) No title.
I should definitely be sleeping. I'm more tired than normal because I have a throat infection (which the nurse I saw at my local GP decided to leave alone to fester all by itself. Ahem, yes. A rant for another day!). However, I am absorbed in re-designing my blog and listening to Rush. And now I'm bored or tired or both and don't want to write this anymore :( rubbish rufus bear! rubbish.
So I guess this was in the middle of the night. I think I just wanted a chat and there was nobody there!
Everything else in my drafts folder is now either post title ideas or something workable that I may still use. This clear out has come about because recent discussion on the hobby of blogging generally revealed to me that I have previously been blogging for my audience and not for myself. This clearly didn't work. I miss the creative outlet yet I can't think of anything to write. Therefore I shall try a new tack of just writing for me because self expression is a rare and wonderful thing. And now I can start with a clean slate, all the old chalk is rubbed off. ...poised virtual chalk...
I had a lovely autumnal walk today. The sun was out. The sky was blue. The birds were cheeping. Crab apples dotted the ground...I saw a butterfly!
Must have lost the muse that day. Or maybe that's all I needed to say. Dated 15.11.2009
7) No title.
I should definitely be sleeping. I'm more tired than normal because I have a throat infection (which the nurse I saw at my local GP decided to leave alone to fester all by itself. Ahem, yes. A rant for another day!). However, I am absorbed in re-designing my blog and listening to Rush. And now I'm bored or tired or both and don't want to write this anymore :( rubbish rufus bear! rubbish.
So I guess this was in the middle of the night. I think I just wanted a chat and there was nobody there!
Everything else in my drafts folder is now either post title ideas or something workable that I may still use. This clear out has come about because recent discussion on the hobby of blogging generally revealed to me that I have previously been blogging for my audience and not for myself. This clearly didn't work. I miss the creative outlet yet I can't think of anything to write. Therefore I shall try a new tack of just writing for me because self expression is a rare and wonderful thing. And now I can start with a clean slate, all the old chalk is rubbed off. ...poised virtual chalk...
The Contents of my drafts folder - exposed! (continued)
4) Titled: Only Vanity
I rather think it is only vanity that makes me wish a man was madly in love with me.
Aside from my vanity it would be utterly tiresome for a man to be madly in love with me. Jane Austen has rather skewed my view of men. And not in the obvious way. Most would see Jane Austen's picture of men like this: a tall dark handsome man with bounds of character and feeling, suitably rich and in love with the nearest heroine. I have become so tepid to this view of men, that appears everywhere a women looks, that I feel it would be an utter drag to have a soppy man being emotional at you and demanding love in all bounds back otherwise he might die.
Perhaps I'm being overly cynical but I'd rather not have a man be madly in love with me, at least my head doesn't. My heart always will and what can it be other than vanity? I read and watch Jane Austen religiously and yet I don't believe in love. How can that be? There always has to be some other reason, love in itself is not enough.
I have to fight the idea that my life will start when I fall in love. How can I believe that at the same time as not believing in love? I must start my own life. Do my own thing. Be me. And yet we aren't meant to go through life as one. But as two. A couple. A team. Perhaps all love is, is a fantasy that helps us share our lives with another. A sort of all round trust and devotion that you would need to share your life with someone. So vanity is all love really is. Practically speaking, when it comes down to it, love isn't important. But Jane Austen argues the opposite of that. She seems to think you can have both love and the rest of it. I don't think I believe her.
I didn't dare post this at the time I wrote it and it's only out of honesty that I publish it now! And I can cope with that now because I have well and truly moved on. Since writing this I have fallen in love again and while I find it equally as confusing I have settled into a comfortable mindset, both heart and head, that it doesn't make sense but it is marvellous none the less and I shall just enjoy it. Dated 06.10.2009 (this better not come back to haunt me when I'm rich and famous!)
5) Autumnal Splendour and a Good Fry-Up!
Hired a car
Good b&b!
Hike
Invented our own path but a quad bike had been here before
River crossing
Walk into town by moonlight
Pub tea yum yum BRAINS!
Awesome sleep and another breakie mmm coffee :)
Weather lashing down
Drive to see scenery anyways, wind blowing water down the dam and into spray, we got drenched by it! We had a great laugh, much fun.
Drove to Hay-on-Wye for a nose around and lunch. Bought some books, wanted to buy lots more, a whole car full would have been good.
Had to go to Gloucester for my train, had a nose round the docks - very plush, nicely done.
Train delayed by a car breaking down on a level crossing - handy!
This is a rough outline of a post I was going to write about a weekend trip to Elan Valley. I wonder if my companion will recognise what I'm on about. I fear it is far to late to beef out this draft with the necessary detail, which is a shame. Dated 02.11.2009
I rather think it is only vanity that makes me wish a man was madly in love with me.
Aside from my vanity it would be utterly tiresome for a man to be madly in love with me. Jane Austen has rather skewed my view of men. And not in the obvious way. Most would see Jane Austen's picture of men like this: a tall dark handsome man with bounds of character and feeling, suitably rich and in love with the nearest heroine. I have become so tepid to this view of men, that appears everywhere a women looks, that I feel it would be an utter drag to have a soppy man being emotional at you and demanding love in all bounds back otherwise he might die.
Perhaps I'm being overly cynical but I'd rather not have a man be madly in love with me, at least my head doesn't. My heart always will and what can it be other than vanity? I read and watch Jane Austen religiously and yet I don't believe in love. How can that be? There always has to be some other reason, love in itself is not enough.
I have to fight the idea that my life will start when I fall in love. How can I believe that at the same time as not believing in love? I must start my own life. Do my own thing. Be me. And yet we aren't meant to go through life as one. But as two. A couple. A team. Perhaps all love is, is a fantasy that helps us share our lives with another. A sort of all round trust and devotion that you would need to share your life with someone. So vanity is all love really is. Practically speaking, when it comes down to it, love isn't important. But Jane Austen argues the opposite of that. She seems to think you can have both love and the rest of it. I don't think I believe her.
I didn't dare post this at the time I wrote it and it's only out of honesty that I publish it now! And I can cope with that now because I have well and truly moved on. Since writing this I have fallen in love again and while I find it equally as confusing I have settled into a comfortable mindset, both heart and head, that it doesn't make sense but it is marvellous none the less and I shall just enjoy it. Dated 06.10.2009 (this better not come back to haunt me when I'm rich and famous!)
5) Autumnal Splendour and a Good Fry-Up!
Hired a car
Good b&b!
Hike
Invented our own path but a quad bike had been here before
River crossing
Walk into town by moonlight
Pub tea yum yum BRAINS!
Awesome sleep and another breakie mmm coffee :)
Weather lashing down
Drive to see scenery anyways, wind blowing water down the dam and into spray, we got drenched by it! We had a great laugh, much fun.
Drove to Hay-on-Wye for a nose around and lunch. Bought some books, wanted to buy lots more, a whole car full would have been good.
Had to go to Gloucester for my train, had a nose round the docks - very plush, nicely done.
Train delayed by a car breaking down on a level crossing - handy!
This is a rough outline of a post I was going to write about a weekend trip to Elan Valley. I wonder if my companion will recognise what I'm on about. I fear it is far to late to beef out this draft with the necessary detail, which is a shame. Dated 02.11.2009
The contents of my drafts folder - exposed!
1) Titled: Things I Must Do
Go to the highland games.
Go to the highland games.
Climb a monroe.
And that was it. Was I very unimaginative that day? Dated 05.04.2009
2) Titled: For Kate...
I won't include the lyrics for reasons of space but the song is That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette. Dated at a guess 04.2009
3) Titled: The Wind, the Universe and an Odd View
Science...It has had a pretty clearly defined image so far. It is one of those many things in life that are there, I don't understand them, but they are part of life and you find a way of excepting them. They are important because they are part of life, but not important specifically to me or my life. So they sort of be, in a haze in the back of your mind. You know there is a whole train of thought there if you wanted to persue it but you don't because there are other things going on.
Science has, I think, always been one of the haze dwelling things that I have taken notice of because, well, it crops up. At school, in everyday life, in the news, and at home as my Dad and sister are science people. That's a very general label but I think they will know what I mean. Science never bored me exactly...at school lessons were boring so lessons on science were too, but science itself was ok. I seem to remember my Dad and sister having many conversations on science and maths, I suppose that must have been homework related...I wasn't bored listening to them either. I guess I remember because it all got processed in my brain as I tried to understand what they were on about. Having said that though science isn't a big mystery to me, I understand it. I like to think I would be able to do it at uni if I wanted to. People, or maybe just me, assume that 'arty' people can't or don't do science. 'Arty' is the sense that I'm graduating (hopefully) with a Bachelor of Arts. (Is it with a or as a?) But I'm breaking my own rule here, I do science. I seem to be an all rounder in that respect. It could just be that I'm insterested in most things, I'm rather a curious person really. I'm not sure why I find it so puzzling that people can be both arty and sciencey...maybe the BA/BSc distinction is enough.
I consciously made the choice to go arty and close the science door when I chose my A-levels. My grades were pretty similar across most subjects so I went arty because it seemed more fun and exciting, there was something tedious about science. The experiments, investigations, methodologies, results and the dreaded graphs and tables! It was more than this though. It's all so much of a social construction...but then so is everything, so why is that so bad? It's all so (pause because all the custard creams are gone and this essay won't right itself).
The sun and the Earth's rotation cause the wind. Therefore I am at odds with a couple of fundamental parts of the universe...oh goody.
Why did they not teach us about the weather in school? It's important to know, makes science more intersteing because it is something everyday that affects us all, we can relate to it. I have always wondered about the wind. I'm annoyed it took a BBC documentary about weather to teach me.
I seem to remember this torrent of thoughts came about from a BBC documentary explaining weather. There was one on wind, rain, and I can't remember the other ones. I found it fascinating. I have graduated with a BA now but I still don't know whether that should be with a BA or as a BA. Dated 28.04.2009
And that was it. Was I very unimaginative that day? Dated 05.04.2009
2) Titled: For Kate...
I cannot write you beautiful poetry as you can do for me. Instead when I hear an amazing song I share it with you. This song made me think of you, not exactly for the lyrics, it was the voice and the line 'That I would be loved even when I numb myself...' It is such a beautiful song. I listened to it again and again and I just wanted to say Kate, you are good, grand and loved. This goes for anyone and everyone who has troubles, and we all do, you will be fine because there are people who think you are grand and love you. I love that grand is in this song, it is very Kate! :) Anyways...here are the lyrics, but please listen to it...
3) Titled: The Wind, the Universe and an Odd View
Science...It has had a pretty clearly defined image so far. It is one of those many things in life that are there, I don't understand them, but they are part of life and you find a way of excepting them. They are important because they are part of life, but not important specifically to me or my life. So they sort of be, in a haze in the back of your mind. You know there is a whole train of thought there if you wanted to persue it but you don't because there are other things going on.
Science has, I think, always been one of the haze dwelling things that I have taken notice of because, well, it crops up. At school, in everyday life, in the news, and at home as my Dad and sister are science people. That's a very general label but I think they will know what I mean. Science never bored me exactly...at school lessons were boring so lessons on science were too, but science itself was ok. I seem to remember my Dad and sister having many conversations on science and maths, I suppose that must have been homework related...I wasn't bored listening to them either. I guess I remember because it all got processed in my brain as I tried to understand what they were on about. Having said that though science isn't a big mystery to me, I understand it. I like to think I would be able to do it at uni if I wanted to. People, or maybe just me, assume that 'arty' people can't or don't do science. 'Arty' is the sense that I'm graduating (hopefully) with a Bachelor of Arts. (Is it with a or as a?) But I'm breaking my own rule here, I do science. I seem to be an all rounder in that respect. It could just be that I'm insterested in most things, I'm rather a curious person really. I'm not sure why I find it so puzzling that people can be both arty and sciencey...maybe the BA/BSc distinction is enough.
I consciously made the choice to go arty and close the science door when I chose my A-levels. My grades were pretty similar across most subjects so I went arty because it seemed more fun and exciting, there was something tedious about science. The experiments, investigations, methodologies, results and the dreaded graphs and tables! It was more than this though. It's all so much of a social construction...but then so is everything, so why is that so bad? It's all so (pause because all the custard creams are gone and this essay won't right itself).
The sun and the Earth's rotation cause the wind. Therefore I am at odds with a couple of fundamental parts of the universe...oh goody.
Why did they not teach us about the weather in school? It's important to know, makes science more intersteing because it is something everyday that affects us all, we can relate to it. I have always wondered about the wind. I'm annoyed it took a BBC documentary about weather to teach me.
I seem to remember this torrent of thoughts came about from a BBC documentary explaining weather. There was one on wind, rain, and I can't remember the other ones. I found it fascinating. I have graduated with a BA now but I still don't know whether that should be with a BA or as a BA. Dated 28.04.2009
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Why has the wit gone?!
An empty white box...somehow I find an empty page of lined paper much less daunting. There is an awesome satisfaction about filling it all in and spoiling the clean lines. Perhaps I will ask Blogger to put lines in my text box!
Now I'm wishing I had an old fashioned typewriter to play with. Random.
Last time I checked I loved the freedom of typing on a keyboard, it's so much faster so I can get my thoughts out. Writing was too slow - I couldn't scribble as fast as I was thinking. Now I am wanting to write on paper and finding the computer a mental block. Maybe my thoughts have slowed down! Hehehe.
There'll be no living with her after this.
Now I'm wishing I had an old fashioned typewriter to play with. Random.
Last time I checked I loved the freedom of typing on a keyboard, it's so much faster so I can get my thoughts out. Writing was too slow - I couldn't scribble as fast as I was thinking. Now I am wanting to write on paper and finding the computer a mental block. Maybe my thoughts have slowed down! Hehehe.
There'll be no living with her after this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)